What is Nonviolent Communication for?
Universatlity and how we could stop our repeated patterns.
Like many practices- it is pointing the way. It is not the destination. Nor does it have a political stance. That is its genius.
Nonviolent Communication gives us a way to communicate as we build and create together. We are so immensely creative when we get together. Imagine if we could come together beyond our labels for each other, beyond the creation of them vs. us?
As we chose to practice this process we chose to focus on what we have in common. What Marshall Rosenberg proposed is that our language and the way we use language creates separation and so if we change our language we can create more chances we will connect. In taking this step we reach a different place than strategies or problem solving. in a different pace than what’s wrong or not working. Rather we connect at the level of our universal needs.
When I was a child I got interested in Esperanto- a language which would unite us. I’ve carried on this interest and in Nonviolent Communication I think I’ve found a language and a way of relating that anyone can learn, that adapts for cultures and allows us to be different yet the same.
Not everyone has to learn all of it, some parts of it serve in an instant, and not everyone in a conversation has to know about it. Side note: I would recommend not telling anyone they should learn it, kind of defeats the object of it!
Three things I’ve learnt along the way:
Shift your attention to the present moment, it brings the conversation to life and this is attractive to others. For eg talk about how you feel now and what matters to you now.
Be clear about your intention to connect. You want to be curious and interested in the other and ready to be moved. Nothing else going on, not persuasion or fixing the other or using NVC to be superior!
Avoid rhetoric, make it real for you not something you are repeating, much harder than it sounds.
So what works in an instant?
As well as the above. One example to leave you with:
When you find yourself mulling over something someone has said to you.
Separate out what they said to you- imagine you have recorded it- and the thinking you have about it. Without the thinking you’ve added it is an observation.
Focus on this. We create our own sufferingvby adding our thinking and getting churned up by this.
Of course there is discomfort still, we are not aiming to do away with discomfort- but at least we will not be adding more to it.
This is an example of connecting to ourselves one of the three modes of Nonviolent Communication.
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Shona
I’m UK based psychologist and workshop leader with over 20 years of Nonviolent Communication practice under my belt. Sometimes I think I’ve got the hang of it and I also mess up, because I am human. I’m passionate about keeping Nonviolent Communication as a tool for bringing everyone together- it’s universality is its appeal and meets my need for hope.
